Infertility (Oct-Nov 2012)-The Calm Before The Storm

October 2012. I had willingly offered my time to the Lord, and I was striving to figure out how He wanted me to fill it. I was working as a teacher's aide, and David was working part time while applying for animation jobs and looking into graduate school programs. We were also spending a lot of time with my grandfather who had had surgery and was recovering in a rehab center. Although I was being productive and filling my time with good things I started to feel that life was stagnant. One night I was chatting with one of my sisters about how I was feeling. I told her it was hard trying to figure what our next step was. I also expressed that it felt like things were taking so long to get rolling. She had some wise insight. She told me that when it feels like nothing is going on, the Lord is often giving us periods of rest to allow us to catch our breath and prepare for upcoming trials. She also told me that she felt that some big things were about to happen for us and that we should enjoy this low key time while it lasted.  I was about to find out just how right she was!

Cousins Visiting Gramps in the Hospital 

I continued to feel the strong urge that we needed to be trying to have a baby. Looking back I sometimes wonder if it was my deepest yearning to be a mom rather than the spirit of the Lord causing that feeling. Whatever the reason I went with what I felt at the time and so we started to resume our quest to get pregnant.

A good friend of mine who also had struggled with infertility had previously mentioned a fertility clinic to me called the Utah Fertility Center. She knew people who had gone there and had heard positive things about one of the doctors there. So we looked into going to this highly recommended place and made an appointment.
https://www.utahfertility.com/

We started going to the Utah Fertility Center on November 5.  We nervously went in for our first appointment, a consultation, with Dr. Gurtcheff.  Her warmness and inviting personality helped me feel a little more at ease. She started by getting our background and asking questions to understand why we were there. She asked the typical health questions and recorded our medical history. She noted that I have dysmenorrhea (irregular periods) and a previous diagnosis with PCOS. Side Note: I have since realized that I had never been specifically told my doctors that I have PCOS. I have been told that I have a lot of cysts in my ovaries. So I assumed that meant I had PCOS.

She also asked when my most recent pap smear and physical exam was. She was quite concerned when I told her I hadn't had one for about four years, and she strongly recommended that I have one done as soon as possible.  She was also quite concerned when we told her we didn't have insurance, but we told her we were willing to pay out of pocket to get started on the first steps. She warned us that it would be pricey but that she could find ways for us to cut costs.

She went through the different types of tests and treatment options. We opted out of a suggested genetics test but agreed to get a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG for short (a test where they shoot dye through your fallopian tubes to check for blockages) and a test for David.  It was also brought up that I had already taken Clomid and that it didn't seem to do anything, so she decided to switch me to another drug called Femara. I was happy with this decision because the same friend who had referred me to the UFC had been successful in getting pregnant when she switched from Clomid to Femara.

We settled on our game plan, had an ultrasound performed, and the doctor sent me to a coordinator to set up my "pre-cycle testing".  Most procedures during fertility treatment had to be done at a certain time. Before they could schedule the actual tests and medicine taking dates, we had to wait for my next period to start, and I was instructed to call the center on Cycle Day 1.  With a packet full of information and instructions we left the appointment anxiously ready to get things started. 

For David, we just had to have an analysis done within 2-4 weeks. We were able to just take in a sample, and the results showed no problems. Wouldn't it be nice if all the tests and procedures had been that easy! 

My period started about a week and a half after our consultation in mid-October, and I had an ultrasound a few days later. During the ultrasound appointment I was instructed to start taking my first round of Femara that day and take it for five days. We then scheduled an ultrasound and an HSG for the 26th. As with all medical procedures, I had to fill out a consent form for the HSG. The form indicated the risks and possible complications of the procedure. https://www.asrm.org/FACTSHEET_Hysterosalpingogram/ Talk about freaking a girl out! After reading the form the procedure sounded a bit scary. I was nervous. I spoke to my sister who had also previously had an HSG performed.  She helped calm my nerves, and I figured if she had done it and was fine, I would make it through it as well. 

The day of the ultrasound and HSG test came. I don't remember if I was more nervous to find out whether or not the medicine worked or for the HSG. First came the ultrasound which showed that my body did not respond to the Femara. I was devastated. I asked the doctor what were we to do now? She said that she would have me do one more round of the medicine at the maximum allowed dosage. If it was unsuccessful then we would have to move up to a more intensive treatment. 

Next came the HSG test: the procedure was uncomfortable but not as bad as I had expected. It was a little bit like having a pap smear, there was a little pain and cramping, but it went by quickly.  I was able to watch the screen as the process was happening. I remember the Dr. saying that the fluid flowed through both tubes but that one tube flowed a little more slowly. She didn't seem too concerned with this. My medical records even say there was "no intrauterine filling defects noted" and that there was "normal fill and spill of both tubes." At the time I didn't think much of the comment about the fluid moved slower in one tube. I now realize that this may have been more significant than anyone realized, a red flag. 

I was so heartbroken when I left the office that day. The thought of having to do IVF scared me. I also knew we couldn't afford to do that yet. If it came down to that then we would have to put the process on hold again. I don't remember if I cried in the office that day after hearing the results but I guarantee I cried in the car on the way home. I remember going over to my sister's house. After telling her the round of medicine was unsuccessful she wrapped me up in a big hug. She said something like, "It's hard isn't it? It's really, really hard." 

I don't remember what else she said to me that night but that is all I really needed to hear. Those simple words and warm, comforting embrace told me it was ok to be sad and hurt. It showed me that I wasn't alone and that someone else knew what I was going through. How grateful I was, and still am, to have a sister who knew what to say to comfort me and who understood what I felt because she had walked a similar path. Little did I know that as we stood there in that tender embrace, the storm clouds were slowly gathering and they were dark, full, and threatening. 

Infertility-Thy Will Be Done

Infertility. Something I never imagined I would struggle with for years. It is something I would never wish upon anyone. The pain and heartbreak it causes is hard to describe. Unless you have experienced it yourself you really don't know what it's like or how difficult it really is. 

Growing up I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would daydream about getting married and starting a family. Being young and naive, I thought I had it all figured out. I would get married around 20 and have 5 kids by the time I reached my early 30's. Being born and raised LDS (Mormon) in Utah this is actually quite a common occurrence. But life doesn't always go as you plan. In fact, in my experience, it hardly ever does. 

Ever since the joyous years of puberty began I have had problems in regards to lady stuff. My periods have hardly ever been regular. They were also, until recently, pretty heavy. I will never forget the scary experience of having a period last around 3 months straight. I was around 14 or 15 years old. I still remember the night it got so bad that I finally mustered up enough courage to tell my mom what was going on. The following day she set up an appointment for me to see the doctor. At the appointment, I had the frightening experience of my very first pap smear and exam. They also tested my blood and scheduled an ultrasound. The blood tests showed that I was extremely anemic from all the blood I had lost and that I was low on iron.  I may have even been told that if I would have waited any longer to see a doctor I would have needed a blood transfusion. My ultrasound showed that I had lots of cysts on my ovaries. I was temporarily put on birth control pills to regulate my cycles and told to take iron supplements to help with the anemia. 

FAST FORWARD 8 OR 9 YEARS.  

My husband David and I were married in November 2008. Since I was still in school, we planned to wait a little bit before trying to have children. A year later, after graduating with my Early Childhood Education degree, we decided it would be fun to move to Hong Kong to teach. In May of 2010, we headed out there and began that great adventure. After being there for over a year, and saving up a decent amount of money, we felt it was time for us to start trying. I had just turned 26 and we had been married for almost 3 years.  It seemed like the perfect time to start. So at the beginning of October 2011, we started our quest to have kids. 

I began to get caught up in wishful thinking and thought that it would happen quickly. In my opinion, it was a perfect time. I thought that having a baby in Hong Kong would be perfect. It is so much cheaper than in the States! I also thought that if we got pregnant quickly I would be able to have the baby in the summer. Perfect for a teacher, right?! 



Once again, I learned that what I think is best is not always what the Lord has planned and that He knows what is best for me. 


Of course, we didn't end up getting pregnant quickly like I thought we would. I was brought back to reality. We had already discussed the possibility that we would struggle to get pregnant considering all the troubles I have had in the past. I also have family members who have struggled in this area. So it had definitely been a concern of mine. Now, these concerns were beginning to manifest themselves. 

We decided to go see a doctor for some fertility assistance. I have heard it said that couples should try for a year before seeking fertility treatment. We thought that considering my health history it would be ok if we went in to see a doctor earlier. In April 2012 we made an appointment to see a doctor that was recommended to me by a co-worker. 

An ultrasound showed, once again, that I had lots of cysts in my ovaries.  Blood tests showed that I wasn't ovulating. The doctor suggested we start by trying a round of the fertility drug Clomid to see if that would help me ovulate. I had already heard of this medicine and assumed that this would be the first step. We weren't surprised that this was his suggestion.  But seeing as life has a way of surprising you, while we were in the process of seeing this doctor we made the decision to move back to the states, back to Utah. We explained this to the doctor and he decided to give us a round of the medicine to take with us and told us to find a place in the states to continue the process.  

At the beginning of July 2012, we left Hong Kong and moved back to Utah. With the craziness of moving across the world, all of the fertility stuff got put on pause for a few months. I took the Clomid that was given to me and waited to go to a new fertility doctor. Before we knew it, it was October. 

October is one of my favorite months of the year. Every October the LDS (Mormon) church holds it's semi-annual General Conference.  I am always very excited to hear the talks and messages from the prophet, apostles, and other church leaders. I have often had prayers and questions answered while listening and pondering on the messages. I felt that we could receive guidance and help in our search for knowing where our lives were supposed to go. It was during the Sunday morning session that I was touched by a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring (1^st counselor in the church presidency) entitled “Where is thy pavilion?”

                                https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/where-is-the-pavilion?lang=eng

He spoke about the pavilion that sometimes seems to block us from God and from feeling his help and comfort in our lives. He spoke about how sometimes during difficult or challenging times we may feel distant from God. He explained that God is never hidden but that, “Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done,” create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time.”

He also shared a story about one of his daughters-in-law who was longing to have more children. They had been trying for many years and had suffered some miscarriages. While on a trip to California she was walking alone on the beach when she said a prayer. For the first time, she didn’t ask God for another child. Instead, she asked for a divine errand. She prayed to Heavenly Father saying, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.”

I was so touched by this talk and this woman's story. I wondered if I was letting my own desires and plans prevent me from knowing what the Lord’s will for us was at that time? I decided to pray and have my own talk with my Heavenly Father. My prayer was similar to this woman’s. I too told Him that I would give him my time and asked for him to tell me how to fill it. 

I prayed with all my heart and soul. I wanted to know what the Lord's will was for me and I wanted to follow Him.  What I didn't know then was that my world was about to be turned upside down. I didn't know what trials lay ahead and that I was about to be pushed to the limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also had no idea that I was about to witness some amazing miracles in my life.