Ectopic Pregnancy (Jan 2013)- Free Fall

You know the feeling after you have been on a long trip and you finally get home and you are so excited that you get to sleep in your own bed? What a wonderful feeling it is. After our long trip of moving from Utah to Savannah, GA all I wanted to do was lay down in my comfy bed and rest but since we had just moved and we didn't have an apartment yet we had to stay in a hotel until we found an apartment. All we had was what we could fit into our car. So we called a Day's Inn home for the roughly first week we were in Savannah.

Days Inn we called "Home" when we first moved to Savannah

David quickly got to work trying to find us an apartment plus he had to get busy with the school quarter that was starting. We started looking for an apartment in Georgetown, a small community just south of Savannah, which we had heard that it was a safer part of town. 

I, being about 5 weeks pregnant, started my search for an OB/GYN so I could get in to try and figure out why, even though I had been taking progesterone, I was still bleeding. The first Sunday there we went to church at the congregation in Georgetown where we thought we would be living. During the last hour of meetings I noticed a woman holding a small infant. After the lesson was over I approached the woman and asked who her doctor was and if she would recommend them. With her high recommendation I decided to try and get in with this doctor. I also did research online and checked reviews for other OB's in the area. The next day I called the doctor recommended by the woman. If I recall correctly, the dr. wasn't currently accepting new patients. So I started calling other ones that had good ratings online. All the ones I called were either not accepting new patients or didn't accept medicaid, which we had planned on applying for. I was so discouraged and worried. I had gotten another blood test after we got to Savannah and the results were sent to my doctor in Utah. They confirmed that my HCG levels were still rising but since I was still bleeding it was recommended that I have an ultrasound ASAP.  I was desperate to find a doctor and try to figure out what was going on. 

Meanwhile the search for an apartment wasn't going well either. One place we had our eye on had some ridiculous forms to fill out. They also were going to require us to pay multiple months of rent in advance. They said since we were unemployed and David was a student that they wanted to be sure we were capable of paying the rent. We weren't really keen on this but were willing to do so. After the apartment complex found out were were expecting, however, they informed us that we would be required to get a two bedroom apartment instead of one. Since this would have been more expensive we decided to go a different route. It seemed like our streak of bad luck was continuing. Things were still not going our way. 

Our Tiny Apartment

Finally our luck started to turn around when one morning David happened to check the apartment postings on Craigslist. He found a listing that had just been put up that morning and he contacted the phone number listed. The apartment had just opened up and David set up a time to view the apartment that day. The apartment was closer to downtown Savannah and to the college campus. David looked up the address on a website that checks the safety rating of the area and found that it seemed to be a safe enough area so we decided it was worth a try. David checked out the place first but told the landlord that I would have to view the place before he could give a decision. I was so ready to be done living in a hotel that I quickly agreed to say yes to the tiny one bedroom, which was really more like a studio apartment. 

http://themidwifegroup.com/

Our luck also changed in regards to our search for a doctor for me to see. One morning (it may have even been the same day that we found the apartment) David told me that while doing some research online he came across a midwife center that we could try. He said they even had a discounted self-pay option for those without insurance. This would be a good option just in case we weren't approved for medicaid. We called and they set up a time for us to view the center and see if it would be a good fit for us. I was relieved that we at least had an option. 

The time before the tour was spent buying a mattress(so we would at least have something to sleep on in our new place), a futon, and some other household items. David was kept quite busy trying to get us settled and starting his new school schedule. 

The day of the tour finally came.  A midwife showed us around the facility and discussed their different methods and delivery techniques. She informed us that they did have an OB/GYN who worked out of their office who sometimes took over deliveries that ended up needing to be finished up at the hospital. During the tour the midwife asked how far along we thought I was and what type of insurance we had. We told her that I was about five weeks along but that I had been on progesterone because I had been bleeding. We also told her that we didn't have insurance but that we planned to apply for medicaid. She said that they usually don't see ladies until they are six weeks along but since I was bleeding they should get me checked out as soon as possible. She did recommend we apply for medicaid first and then call to set up an appointment. She also told us that we had a good chance of getting approved because of our current employment situation. They had me do a urine test to confirm that I was indeed pregnant and gave me a signed form that I would need when I applied for medicaid.

We told her that we would go apply the following Monday morning and then get an appointment scheduled. We felt really good about the center after we left. The facility was nice and the midwife was very kind. I was ready to finally figure out what was wrong and I felt that this was the right place for us to go. 

Monday morning came and we went to the medicaid office. I nervously filled out the forms and was checked out by a nurse. We were nervous that we might not be approved since we did have a bit of money in savings. We were surprised to find out that the form did not require us to list how much we had in our account. It only asked for our employers and current monthly income. Since David was a student, I was unemployed, and we didn't have any income coming in (except a large amount of student loans) it appeared that we were pretty much approved on the spot. (Which you will soon find out just how much of a blessing this was.) Afterwards we called the midwife center and scheduled an appointment for the following morning. 

Since David had class, I went to the appointment alone. It was hard to wait in the lobby while watching ladies with their perfect newborns and ladies farther along in their pregnancies carried healthy babies. Finally it was my turn. Right after the midwife started examining me she exclaimed, "Wow, there's a lot of blood." The following comment was even more terrifying. "It looks like there is a hole in your uterus," came the reply. She said that I would need to have an ultrasound so they would have a better understanding what was going on. 

After checking with the front desk she informed me that they would have to get an ultrasound approved with medicaid first and that I would have to come back in the morning to get it done. She also said something like, "I'm not sure exactly what is wrong but whatever it is it isn't good." She thought that I may even miscarry during the night. 

A feeling of sheer panic consumed my entire body. It was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life. I was in complete fear and I'm sure I was trembling. I was also feeling faint. Sensing I wasn't feeling right (I must have been pale) they asked if I had eaten anything that morning. I hadn't eaten in a while and they told me to go drink some juice and sit down in a room where they have birthing classes.  I remember drinking the juice, lying curled up across a couple of chairs, and quietly sobbing. It felt like I was free falling head first into a dark abyss without a rope or a bungee cord to catch my fall. 

Ectopic Pregnancy (Jan 2013) The Journey

Photo Credit: https://notesonawhiteboard.wordpress.com/2015/01/04/the-journey-to-outstanding/

You know those movies where the main character has the worst luck and everything seems to go wrong? On the morning of some important meeting at work their alarm doesn't go off, they sleep too late, and have to rush to make it on time. Then when they are driving to work they get stuck in traffic, their car breaks down, or they get a flat tire. After going through extreme lengths to make it, they find out that they lost their job. When it seems like all is lost, we see the character bolt upright in bed realizing it was only a bad dream. 

This is kind of like what was happening to my husband David, my cousin Nikki, and I as we made our trek from Utah to Savannah, GA almost three years ago. Everything seemed to be going wrong. After our leaving time is delayed because of bad weather, we get caught in a horrible blizzard. The condition of the hotel room we stay in for the night is less than desirable, to say the least. We get pulled over and Nikki gets landed with a hefty ticket. David accidentally breaks my sister's futon during our stay at their house. Our car breaks down and we get stranded in a small town in the middle of Nowhere, Texas. To top it all off, I'm pregnant, hormonal, and an emotional wreck because I'm bleeding and I don't know why. It was a nightmare that I wanted desperately to wake up from but I couldn't. I couldn't because it wasn't a dream, it was reality. 

There we were stranded in a small town called Tyler, Texas after having car problems on New Years Day 2013. After deciding we couldn't afford to wait for it to be fixed we decided to rent a U Haul and pull the car the rest of the way to Savannah. We had to spend the night because the U Haul rental place was closed for the holiday. After a long day and night of waiting, morning finally came and we made our way to the truck rental place. It was a miracle we made it without having to be towed because our car was still having trouble accelerating.

 It was a bit of a struggle getting the truck. Once again, things seemed to not go our way. The size of truck we originally wanted wasn't available so we had to take a larger truck. The rental place had to locate a trailer for us to load the car on to.  They also had to figure out a way to get our low riding vehicle up onto the trailer. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity to me, we finally had everything ready to go and were on our way. 

Photo Cred: https://rachelkennedyactress.wordpress.com/category/quotes/

If you have ever traveled long distance in the cab of a U Haul truck you will know it isn't the most comfortable of rides. If one or two individuals are traveling then the cab might have an ample amount of space but we had three people to squeeze in there. Not only did we have three adults crammed together but I had put my feet up because of my condition. The poor person who wasn't driving often had my legs laying across their lap. Not only did my traveling companions have to deal with me lounging all over them, but they had to deal with me being a cranky, worried, emotional, hormonal wreck. I'm grateful Nikki and David made it through that trip without going insane. 

So there we were smushed into a cab of an empty U Haul pulling our broken down car behind it. We were way behind schedule and my family in Monroe, Georgia, where our next stop was, were anxious for us to arrive. We planned to make it to my Aunt's house that night but after all of the delays we had getting the U Haul situated we got on the road later than we had originally anticipated. Nikki and David both expressed the desire to keep going even though it was getting late.  I on the other hand did not want to continue driving. I wanted to be able to actually lay down to put my feet and legs up. It was also time for me to use my next round of progesterone. 

Nikki and David suggested I could do so in the truck or at a bathroom during a pit stop. Even just the thought of this disgusted me and I firmly objected. There was no way I was going to put in a progesterone suppository while in the truck or in a dirty gas station bathroom. I desperately wanted to get a room for the night. Not only to be able to lay down on a bed and have a decent bathroom in which to use my medicine but I just needed to get out of that U Haul for a few hours! Eventually they got sick of my whining and we stopped to get a room for the night. For the sake of everyone's sanity, I think we made the right choice to stop. 

The next day we made it to my Aunt's house in the early afternoon. Unfortunately we missed the family gathering that had been planned for us and we weren't able to spend the night like we had originally thought.  We were fortunate enough to be able to spend time with some family members and have a break from driving for a few hours. (I'm especially grateful that Nikki was there to spend time with our Aunt Dot. This trip was the last time Nikki was able to see her before she passed away.)

Nikki and Aunt Dot

Photo Credit: http://quotesgram.com/it-will-work-out-quotes/

So far in the trip the bleeding I had been experiencing was off and on. At times there was nothing and my mood would lighten a bit. Other times I would bleed heavier and the worry would sink in again. While at my aunt's house I lay down on the couch and fell asleep for a bit. I remember at one point getting up off the couch and going to the bathroom and found that the bleeding had picked up again. A feeling of sheer panic ran through my body and I couldn't keep myself from crying. I knew something wasn't right but I didn't know what. Have you ever had the feeling that something was very wrong but you can't pin point what it is and you don't know what to do to fix it? I went and got David and expressed to him how I was feeling. Luckily, I am blessed to have a patient, loving, husband who can stay calm during hard situations and who knows how to comfort me. He was able to calm my fears a bit. Even though I was still scared, with his, my cousin's, and most importantly the Lord's help I had the strength the continue on having faith that everything would be ok. 

Cousins Nikki & Elaine with Aunt Sara

We couldn't stay at my aunt's house long. We needed to make it to Savannah that night. Nikki was flying back to Utah from Savannah the following day. So we said our goodbyes and, to my distaste, climbed back into the truck. We made it to Savannah very late and started to look for a hotel to stay in when, for the second time during our trip, we see flashing lights behind us. Once again, poor Nikki has to face talking to a police officer. He asked her if she realized that the trailer was fish-tailing in between lanes. We told him we were looking for a hotel to stay in for the night. He told Nikki to quickly find a place because she looked tired. Luckily he had pity on us and didn't give us a ticket. We did as directed and quickly found a hotel to stay at for the night. We were so grateful to have finally reached our destination and we all crashed with exhaustion. 

We didn't have time to sleep in and relax that morning. We got up early, had breakfast, checked out of the hotel, dropped the car off at a repair shop, and took David to his new student orientation for school.  Nikki also wanted to at least see some of Savannah before her flight left that afternoon. After the very limited touring we did downtown and a short trip to Tybee Beach, we took Nikki to the airport. Once we got back to Savannah we dropped the truck off at the U Haul place, got a rental car, and found a hotel to stay in until we found an apartment. After settling into the hotel room my phone started to buzz. After answering it we found out that Nikki's flight had been cancelled and she would have to stay another night in Savannah! Oh the irony of one more thing not going according to plan! After debating whether or not to go pick her up from the airport, Nikki decided to stay in the hotel that the airline was providing for her. We were a bit relieved. It would have been nice to spend another night with her but we were also emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted from the long trip and needed to rest. 

Nikki and I at Tybee Beach

At the time I couldn't understand why it seemed like everything was going wrong. Even now I sometimes wonder why we just didn't take me to an urgent care or emergency room. It wouldn't have hurt to seek medical advice but knowing now what I didn't know then, I know things worked out the way they did for a reason. The Lord was aware of us and our situation. I know He watched over us and helped us through that difficult journey and has helped us through many others since. 

Ectopic Pregnancy (Dec 2012-Jan 2013)- The Storm

Imagine driving down the highway through a blizzard and not being able to see 10 ft in front of you. Now picture you are driving through this blizzard in a car packed full of your limited moving items squished in like a sardine. Now imagine that you, your spouse, or another traveling companion has a health condition that requires them to find some way to be reclined with their feet up as much as possible. This was the situation we found ourselves in when we started our trek from Utah to Savannah, Georgia in December 2012.

We were on our way to Georgia so my husband, David, could start graduate school at the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD). I had also just found out that the fertility treatments we had done worked and that I was pregnant. Although it was confirmed through blood tests that I was pregnant, something wasn't quite right. I had been bleeding, was on progesterone, and was told to recline and keep my feet up as much as possible. I was quite worried about my condition and very anxious about having to ride in a car for numerous hours over multiple days.

Our trip had already been delayed because of the weather, but the snow fall had slowed enough that we felt comfortable starting the drive. The snow hadn't been too bad and the roads had been fairly clear until we got down farther into southeast Utah. Luckily my cousin, Nikki, felt comfortable driving in the snow and was safely guiding us through that crazy, scary blizzard. After driving around 15 miles an hour for an hour or two, the storm finally subsided but by this time it was already getting late. Since we were all starting to get tired we decided to stop for the night just outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico. 

I don't know where all the modest, clean cheap hotels were. I really don't remember seeing any nice budget friendly places like Days Inn or Super 8 in the area.  Seeing that we were on a tight budget, we didn't want to pay an outlandish amount of money to stay in a place for just a few hours. The sketchiness of the area we were in should have been an indicator that the hotels might not be that great either. We found a place that was very reasonably priced which we were excited about, until we saw the condition of what we were staying in for the night. 

I was shocked when I saw the state of the room. It didn't look very clean and there were holes in the bathroom wall. (Oh boy was it fun having to use those progesterone suppositories while in this nasty place. I'm glad I didn't catch any diseases that night.) As uncomfortable as it was to be in that room, we were all so worn out from the drive that we were too tired to leave and find another hotel. Thank goodness the exhaustion overpowered my disgust for the room's condition. I fell asleep without much of a problem. 

The next day's drive seemed much more promising knowing we would be driving through parts of the country where it doesn't usually snow. It was also exciting to know that we would be making it to my sister's house in Mansfield, Texas and would be staying there for a few days. The ride was pretty uneventful until we got into Texas. Nikki had quite the lead foot that day. I think she was going over 100 mph when all of the sudden she starts panicking after passing a police officer. She quickly lowers her speed and asks what she should do. Surprised that we hadn't heard or seen and sirens behind us, we wondered if we somehow scraped by unnoticed. I suggested that we pull off the highway. I really needed to use the bathroom and maybe if the cop was far enough behind us he wouldn't realize we exited and would just keep driving. 

Thinking we somehow managed to get out of getting pulled over, we started looking for a place with a restroom. Unfortunately the exit we got off on had limited services and we were having a hard time locating something. As we turned down a quiet road, we suddenly heard sirens and saw the flashing lights of a police car. "Trying to run away from a cop are we?" came the response from the officer as Nikki rolled down her window. She started explaining that we were trying to find a restroom. I totally pulled the "I'm Pregnant" card and said that I really needed to pee. Either he didn't buy it or he really just didn't care, because he slapped Nikki with a hefty ticket. We may not have thought it very funny at the time, but we now get a pretty good chuckle out of that story.

Sister's House in Texas 

We were so excited to reach my sister's house that night. I am grateful that David and Nikki had my sister's family to hang out with because I spent the whole time either in bed or on their futon. While we were there I talked to my sister a lot about my condition and the concerns I had about the bleeding that I was still experiencing. I also told her that I had been noticing a bit of cramping happening on my left side. She told me that the baby had probably implanted on that side (she said her babies implanted on that side when she was pregnant) and that a bit of cramping isn't unusual. I also said that I did seem to be a bit constipated. So I thought that those two things were the reasons why I was feeling that discomfort. I even started calling them poop cramps. 

One of the nights we were there the cramps seemed to be particularly painful and uncomfortable. Since I really didn't feel good, I went upstairs and just lay crying there in a state of worry and discomfort. Looking back on it now I wonder what in the heck was I thinking? Why on earth did I not go to the emergency room or something?! The pain should have been a huge red flag. (*Side Note: Pregnant ladies-If you are feeling any cramping at all, especially if you are bleeding, go to the doctor right away! Better to be safe than sorry!)  I guarantee I prayed a lot that night and the Lord definitely helped me through it. One thing that is interesting is that I don't remember really having cramps other than during the time we were at my sister's house. I now know, as you will find out why later in the story, just how much the Lord is aware of us, watches out for us, and answers our prayers.  

After a fun few days, for my family members at least, it was time for us to continue on our way to Savannah. We left the morning of New Year's Day. We were sad to leave but were also anxious to get to our next stop, my Aunt Sara's house in Monroe, Georgia. We had only been driving for less than two hours when the car started acting strange. It started to decelerate even though David was pushing the gas pedal. It also started to smell a bit funny. We pulled over and David pulled open the hood to look at the engine. Nikki was currently an employee at Jiffy Lube and was a little familiar with cars. She and David had some ideas of what the problem could be but we realized that we may need to take it to a shop to get it looked at. We were blessed to have stopped not far from an exit. I prayed that we would be able to make it to a town with the appropriate services we needed as we started the car and slowly started driving towards the exit. 

Hotel Where We Stayed in Tyler, Texas 

Our prayers were answered and we were able to make it to a small town called Tyler, Texas. Reality struck when we remembered that it was New Year's day and most places would be closed for the holiday. We also wondered what to do if the repairs would need multiple days to fix. Our family in Monroe was expecting us and Nikki had a flight to catch in Savannah in a few days. So we couldn't afford to sit around and wait for our car to be repaired. After weighing our options, we decided to rent a U Haul truck and tow the car the rest of the way to Savannah. We would, however, have to stay the night in Tyler since the U Haul place was closed for the holiday. 

I was so frustrated, grumpy, and annoyed that we were stuck in this small town. Why couldn't we have broken down closer to Dallas where we could have stayed with family while our car was being fixed? Nikki on the other hand was such a good sport and a great example of being patient. She totally went with the flow and wasn't upset about being stranded (or if she was she didn't show it). She said it was all part of the adventure. She was so patient with the emotional, grumpy monster that I was and tried to keep all of our spirit's up. What a blessing she was to us on that trip. I will forever be grateful to her for helping me through one of the most difficult journey's I have ever experienced in my life. 

So there we were, stranded in the middle of nowhere over 900 miles away from our final destination of Savannah, Georgia. In spite of all that had already happened, the craziness had only just begun. 

Infertility (Nov-Dec 2012)-Wait, We're Pregnant?

I didn't have time to sit around for long feeling sad about the first round of Femara not working because the Dr. scheduled my next round of medicine to start the day after my negative ultrasound. I don't think I had any side effects as I took the maximum dosage. If I did they must not have been that bad seeing that I don't remember having any. We had an ultrasound scheduled about a week later, when we completed the round of medicine to see if it was successful.

It is ironic how the timing of things in our lives works. The day after we started this second round of medicine David received an email saying that he had been accepted to the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) in Savannah, Georgia. Shortly after he was offered a scholarship to the school. We now had to decide if it was the right thing to accept the offer and move across the country. Even though I was still working, the Christmas season had started, and we had this big decision to make, I was all wrapped up in wondering if this round would be successful.

After what probably felt like an eternity, the day of the ultrasound finally came.  David must have been working that day because I went to the appointment alone. I was nervous and anxious as I sat in the waiting room and when I was called back and got ready for the ultrasound to be performed. My nervousness was soon turned to excitement as the ultrasound tech told me that the medicine was successful. Not only was it successful but the medicine had stimulated 3 follicles that could possibly be fertilized! She excitedly showed me on the screen where these were. The thought of possibly having multiples definitely entered my mind! Oh the joy and hope that filled my heart.  The thought and feeling that, "This could be it" came over me.

I was then given instructions on how to proceed. I was told to give myself a shot of a medicine called HCG. This medicine would help force my body to ovulate. I was also given specific instructions on the time frame in which my hubs and I should try and make a baby. I was then instructed to start using progesterone suppositories (oh what fun those were) afterwards to help with implantation. I was also told to go in and get a blood test taken around two weeks later to check my HCG levels. This is the hormone that detects whether or not you are pregnant.

I was so overcome with positive emotion when I left there that day. I probably cried tears of joy on the way home this time. I excitedly told David the good news and we got to work following the instructions I was given.  I was nervous for the HCG shot because I had always been afraid of needles and didn't really want to have to give myself a shot. David was so thoughtful and was willing to give me the shot. He did such a great job. I hardly even felt it!!

After all the tasks were competed all that was left for us to do was wait.  I remember praying that if it was the right thing for us to get pregnant, that if it was the Lord's will, then please bless that it would happen. I started feeling like it was going to happen and before long I started experiencing one sign of pregnancy, sore and tender breasts. I thought that if I were this sore then I must have pregnant. *Side note: I have realized how naive I was. Remember, they gave me progesterone to help with implantation? I was still using it and one side effect of this medicine is breast tenderness! The progesterone was totally affecting this! As the days went by I continued to get more sore and just felt in my heart that I was pregnant.

The day of the HCG test arrived.  This day, Friday December 21st, will always be one that I remember. I had the blood test done around 11 that morning and was told that they would call me in a little while with the results. Later in the day when I went to the bathroom I noticed that I was lightly spotting. "Oh no, my period is starting. I guess I'm not pregnant," I thought.  A roller coaster of thoughts and emotions started.  I really thought I was pregnant. If my chest was this sore I must have been.  Then I thought that maybe they had been sore because my period was about to start. I was so disappointed and bummed. I told David that it looked like my period was starting and we prepared ourselves for the doctor to tell us we weren't pregnant.

I will forever remember the moment when we got the call with the test results. We were in the car driving to my grandpa's house.  When my phone rang I braced myself for disappointing news.  The doctor proceeded to tell us that my blood test results indicated that I was indeed pregnant. She did say that the HCG levels were low and that they would need to take another blood test the following week to see if the HCG levels were rising. I told the doctor that I had started spotting that afternoon. She advised me that I should continue taking the progesterone and to rest as much as possible with my feet up. Since the following Monday was Christmas Eve and their office would be closed I instructed to come back in the day after Christmas for the blood test. After receiving the doctor's instructions I thanked her and hung up the phone.

Once again a wave of emotions hit me. It is hard to describe the conflicting feelings I had. I was surprised at what I had just been told, but in a way I wasn't really that shocked. I had felt deep inside that I was pregnant. I was excited but not as excited and happy as I should have been. I don't think I fully comprehended it at the time but I think deep down I knew that something wasn't right. If I was pregnant, then why had I started bleeding? Pushing those feelings aside I started thinking. Wow, things are starting to move forward for us and seem to be working out so nicely. David got accepted to school, we are moving, and now we are pregnant! My sister was right, there were big things in store for us. Our next big adventure was finally starting to begin. Yes, an adventure was beginning but little did I know then that the journey would turn out completely different than I expected.  Once again, the Lord's had a different plan in mind. 

I followed the doctor's instructions and spend most of the next few days with my feet up. I wanted to tell my mom that I was pregnant. I remember taking a pregnancy test, putting it in a gift box, and having my mom open it.  I told her that I was indeed pregnant but that I was bleeding and was told to keep my feet up. She reminded me that one of my sisters, Suzi, had bled while being pregnant and that I should talk to her. I decided I would and then lay back down.  The revealing of this big news didn't go as well as I had planned.  Not knowing why I was bleeding was leaving me feeling anxious and worried. Talking to my sister helped calm my nerves a little. She told me that one of her friends bled a lot during her pregnancy and she ended up having twins. I remember her telling me that I could be having twins. The thought had definitely crossed my mind. I felt that she very well could be right.  Once again, I was immensely grateful to be blessed to have a sister who could lend me comfort and advice in my time of need. 

The next few days were crazy and really a bit of a blur. I remember laying on a futon in my parent's living room while David worked hard getting us ready to move. We had already packed up and stored the things we weren't taking with us to Georgia. Since we would be having family celebrations for the holidays, we decided to just stay at my parents house until the day we planned to leave, which was the day after Christmas. Since I had only told my mom and one of my sisters that I was pregnant, it was a bit awkward having to lie around with my feet up without everyone knowing why.  I didn't want to announce that I was pregnant until I had reached a more secure date in the pregnancy. 

Before we knew it, the day after Christmas, the day of my next blood test, and the day we would begin our trek over to Georgia came. I went to the clinic early that morning for the test. I remember telling the lady who took my blood that I had started bleeding. She told me that lots of woman bleed during their pregnancies and that I shouldn't worry. That helped calm my fears a little more.  I think the doctor's office wanted me to schedule another blood test but I told them that we were moving that day.  The doctor gave me an order request form for another HCG blood test which she said I should have done within the next few days and have the results sent to them.  I was also instructed to keep using the progesterone suppositories.  I was worried that I might not have enough to make it until we had a new address where I could have some shipped to me from the pharmacy company. The doctor was nice enough to give me some extra boxes just in case.  

The ladies at the clinic were quite surprised to hear that we were moving that day.  While I had been in the clinic it had started snowing a lot! They wished me luck with everything and I was on my way. 

I was nervous as I drove back to my parents house. The snow sure was coming down.  In fact, it snow so much that we had to delay leaving for several hours. My cousin, Nikki, who was helping us drive across the country, and I started to get antsy as we waited for the storm to let up so we could leave. David was frantically trying to pack up and load the car. At last, we were loaded and the roads cleared up enough that we felt comfortable enough to leave. 

Little did I know that as we set off down that cold, white, snowy Utah highway that we were headed straight into a blizzard. Both a literal blizzard, and a whirlwind of mental, emotional, and physical turmoil.

Infertility (Oct-Nov 2012)-The Calm Before The Storm

October 2012. I had willingly offered my time to the Lord, and I was striving to figure out how He wanted me to fill it. I was working as a teacher's aide, and David was working part time while applying for animation jobs and looking into graduate school programs. We were also spending a lot of time with my grandfather who had had surgery and was recovering in a rehab center. Although I was being productive and filling my time with good things I started to feel that life was stagnant. One night I was chatting with one of my sisters about how I was feeling. I told her it was hard trying to figure what our next step was. I also expressed that it felt like things were taking so long to get rolling. She had some wise insight. She told me that when it feels like nothing is going on, the Lord is often giving us periods of rest to allow us to catch our breath and prepare for upcoming trials. She also told me that she felt that some big things were about to happen for us and that we should enjoy this low key time while it lasted.  I was about to find out just how right she was!

Cousins Visiting Gramps in the Hospital 

I continued to feel the strong urge that we needed to be trying to have a baby. Looking back I sometimes wonder if it was my deepest yearning to be a mom rather than the spirit of the Lord causing that feeling. Whatever the reason I went with what I felt at the time and so we started to resume our quest to get pregnant.

A good friend of mine who also had struggled with infertility had previously mentioned a fertility clinic to me called the Utah Fertility Center. She knew people who had gone there and had heard positive things about one of the doctors there. So we looked into going to this highly recommended place and made an appointment.
https://www.utahfertility.com/

We started going to the Utah Fertility Center on November 5.  We nervously went in for our first appointment, a consultation, with Dr. Gurtcheff.  Her warmness and inviting personality helped me feel a little more at ease. She started by getting our background and asking questions to understand why we were there. She asked the typical health questions and recorded our medical history. She noted that I have dysmenorrhea (irregular periods) and a previous diagnosis with PCOS. Side Note: I have since realized that I had never been specifically told my doctors that I have PCOS. I have been told that I have a lot of cysts in my ovaries. So I assumed that meant I had PCOS.

She also asked when my most recent pap smear and physical exam was. She was quite concerned when I told her I hadn't had one for about four years, and she strongly recommended that I have one done as soon as possible.  She was also quite concerned when we told her we didn't have insurance, but we told her we were willing to pay out of pocket to get started on the first steps. She warned us that it would be pricey but that she could find ways for us to cut costs.

She went through the different types of tests and treatment options. We opted out of a suggested genetics test but agreed to get a Hysterosalpingogram or HSG for short (a test where they shoot dye through your fallopian tubes to check for blockages) and a test for David.  It was also brought up that I had already taken Clomid and that it didn't seem to do anything, so she decided to switch me to another drug called Femara. I was happy with this decision because the same friend who had referred me to the UFC had been successful in getting pregnant when she switched from Clomid to Femara.

We settled on our game plan, had an ultrasound performed, and the doctor sent me to a coordinator to set up my "pre-cycle testing".  Most procedures during fertility treatment had to be done at a certain time. Before they could schedule the actual tests and medicine taking dates, we had to wait for my next period to start, and I was instructed to call the center on Cycle Day 1.  With a packet full of information and instructions we left the appointment anxiously ready to get things started. 

For David, we just had to have an analysis done within 2-4 weeks. We were able to just take in a sample, and the results showed no problems. Wouldn't it be nice if all the tests and procedures had been that easy! 

My period started about a week and a half after our consultation in mid-October, and I had an ultrasound a few days later. During the ultrasound appointment I was instructed to start taking my first round of Femara that day and take it for five days. We then scheduled an ultrasound and an HSG for the 26th. As with all medical procedures, I had to fill out a consent form for the HSG. The form indicated the risks and possible complications of the procedure. https://www.asrm.org/FACTSHEET_Hysterosalpingogram/ Talk about freaking a girl out! After reading the form the procedure sounded a bit scary. I was nervous. I spoke to my sister who had also previously had an HSG performed.  She helped calm my nerves, and I figured if she had done it and was fine, I would make it through it as well. 

The day of the ultrasound and HSG test came. I don't remember if I was more nervous to find out whether or not the medicine worked or for the HSG. First came the ultrasound which showed that my body did not respond to the Femara. I was devastated. I asked the doctor what were we to do now? She said that she would have me do one more round of the medicine at the maximum allowed dosage. If it was unsuccessful then we would have to move up to a more intensive treatment. 

Next came the HSG test: the procedure was uncomfortable but not as bad as I had expected. It was a little bit like having a pap smear, there was a little pain and cramping, but it went by quickly.  I was able to watch the screen as the process was happening. I remember the Dr. saying that the fluid flowed through both tubes but that one tube flowed a little more slowly. She didn't seem too concerned with this. My medical records even say there was "no intrauterine filling defects noted" and that there was "normal fill and spill of both tubes." At the time I didn't think much of the comment about the fluid moved slower in one tube. I now realize that this may have been more significant than anyone realized, a red flag. 

I was so heartbroken when I left the office that day. The thought of having to do IVF scared me. I also knew we couldn't afford to do that yet. If it came down to that then we would have to put the process on hold again. I don't remember if I cried in the office that day after hearing the results but I guarantee I cried in the car on the way home. I remember going over to my sister's house. After telling her the round of medicine was unsuccessful she wrapped me up in a big hug. She said something like, "It's hard isn't it? It's really, really hard." 

I don't remember what else she said to me that night but that is all I really needed to hear. Those simple words and warm, comforting embrace told me it was ok to be sad and hurt. It showed me that I wasn't alone and that someone else knew what I was going through. How grateful I was, and still am, to have a sister who knew what to say to comfort me and who understood what I felt because she had walked a similar path. Little did I know that as we stood there in that tender embrace, the storm clouds were slowly gathering and they were dark, full, and threatening. 

Infertility-Thy Will Be Done

Infertility. Something I never imagined I would struggle with for years. It is something I would never wish upon anyone. The pain and heartbreak it causes is hard to describe. Unless you have experienced it yourself you really don't know what it's like or how difficult it really is. 

Growing up I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would daydream about getting married and starting a family. Being young and naive, I thought I had it all figured out. I would get married around 20 and have 5 kids by the time I reached my early 30's. Being born and raised LDS (Mormon) in Utah this is actually quite a common occurrence. But life doesn't always go as you plan. In fact, in my experience, it hardly ever does. 

Ever since the joyous years of puberty began I have had problems in regards to lady stuff. My periods have hardly ever been regular. They were also, until recently, pretty heavy. I will never forget the scary experience of having a period last around 3 months straight. I was around 14 or 15 years old. I still remember the night it got so bad that I finally mustered up enough courage to tell my mom what was going on. The following day she set up an appointment for me to see the doctor. At the appointment, I had the frightening experience of my very first pap smear and exam. They also tested my blood and scheduled an ultrasound. The blood tests showed that I was extremely anemic from all the blood I had lost and that I was low on iron.  I may have even been told that if I would have waited any longer to see a doctor I would have needed a blood transfusion. My ultrasound showed that I had lots of cysts on my ovaries. I was temporarily put on birth control pills to regulate my cycles and told to take iron supplements to help with the anemia. 

FAST FORWARD 8 OR 9 YEARS.  

My husband David and I were married in November 2008. Since I was still in school, we planned to wait a little bit before trying to have children. A year later, after graduating with my Early Childhood Education degree, we decided it would be fun to move to Hong Kong to teach. In May of 2010, we headed out there and began that great adventure. After being there for over a year, and saving up a decent amount of money, we felt it was time for us to start trying. I had just turned 26 and we had been married for almost 3 years.  It seemed like the perfect time to start. So at the beginning of October 2011, we started our quest to have kids. 

I began to get caught up in wishful thinking and thought that it would happen quickly. In my opinion, it was a perfect time. I thought that having a baby in Hong Kong would be perfect. It is so much cheaper than in the States! I also thought that if we got pregnant quickly I would be able to have the baby in the summer. Perfect for a teacher, right?! 



Once again, I learned that what I think is best is not always what the Lord has planned and that He knows what is best for me. 


Of course, we didn't end up getting pregnant quickly like I thought we would. I was brought back to reality. We had already discussed the possibility that we would struggle to get pregnant considering all the troubles I have had in the past. I also have family members who have struggled in this area. So it had definitely been a concern of mine. Now, these concerns were beginning to manifest themselves. 

We decided to go see a doctor for some fertility assistance. I have heard it said that couples should try for a year before seeking fertility treatment. We thought that considering my health history it would be ok if we went in to see a doctor earlier. In April 2012 we made an appointment to see a doctor that was recommended to me by a co-worker. 

An ultrasound showed, once again, that I had lots of cysts in my ovaries.  Blood tests showed that I wasn't ovulating. The doctor suggested we start by trying a round of the fertility drug Clomid to see if that would help me ovulate. I had already heard of this medicine and assumed that this would be the first step. We weren't surprised that this was his suggestion.  But seeing as life has a way of surprising you, while we were in the process of seeing this doctor we made the decision to move back to the states, back to Utah. We explained this to the doctor and he decided to give us a round of the medicine to take with us and told us to find a place in the states to continue the process.  

At the beginning of July 2012, we left Hong Kong and moved back to Utah. With the craziness of moving across the world, all of the fertility stuff got put on pause for a few months. I took the Clomid that was given to me and waited to go to a new fertility doctor. Before we knew it, it was October. 

October is one of my favorite months of the year. Every October the LDS (Mormon) church holds it's semi-annual General Conference.  I am always very excited to hear the talks and messages from the prophet, apostles, and other church leaders. I have often had prayers and questions answered while listening and pondering on the messages. I felt that we could receive guidance and help in our search for knowing where our lives were supposed to go. It was during the Sunday morning session that I was touched by a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring (1^st counselor in the church presidency) entitled “Where is thy pavilion?”

                                https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/where-is-the-pavilion?lang=eng

He spoke about the pavilion that sometimes seems to block us from God and from feeling his help and comfort in our lives. He spoke about how sometimes during difficult or challenging times we may feel distant from God. He explained that God is never hidden but that, “Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done,” create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time.”

He also shared a story about one of his daughters-in-law who was longing to have more children. They had been trying for many years and had suffered some miscarriages. While on a trip to California she was walking alone on the beach when she said a prayer. For the first time, she didn’t ask God for another child. Instead, she asked for a divine errand. She prayed to Heavenly Father saying, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.”

I was so touched by this talk and this woman's story. I wondered if I was letting my own desires and plans prevent me from knowing what the Lord’s will for us was at that time? I decided to pray and have my own talk with my Heavenly Father. My prayer was similar to this woman’s. I too told Him that I would give him my time and asked for him to tell me how to fill it. 

I prayed with all my heart and soul. I wanted to know what the Lord's will was for me and I wanted to follow Him.  What I didn't know then was that my world was about to be turned upside down. I didn't know what trials lay ahead and that I was about to be pushed to the limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also had no idea that I was about to witness some amazing miracles in my life.

“You May Rescue, You May Save”

After the shock and pain medication wore off it started to hit me that my dream of finally being pregnant and having a baby had literally been cut out and taken away from me. The day I had emergency surgery to remove my ectopic (tubal) pregnancy a part of me died inside. It felt like part of me was missing. A void and sadness began to fill my heart. It felt like I had been hit by a tidal wave and the weight of my grief was causing me to slowly sink into the depths of despair. Little did I know that a stranger with her own story of heartbreak and healing would come to my rescue and throw my sinking heart a spiritual life preserver.

I was in a church meeting a few weeks after my surgery, which took place shortly after my husband and I moved to Savannah. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon) the first Sunday of each month is centered around fasting and sharing our personal testimonies with one another, mainly during the sacrament service portion of our three hour block of meetings. During the third hour, the women gather together for a lesson, which is sometimes followed by an invitation for anyone present to share their testimonies. On this particular “Fast” Sunday, a woman I hadn't gotten to know yet stood to share her testimony.

She started by saying that she usually wouldn't share something so personal but that she felt prompted to share her experience and that maybe someone there needed to hear it. She talked about having a miscarriage in Dec 2011 and about being promised by the Lord that she would be blessed with a baby. She then shared that in Dec 2012, exactly one year later, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Her testimony that the Lord keeps His promises hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought about my patriarchal blessing and how it says I will be a mother. (For info about what patriarchal blessings are click here: https://www.lds.org/liahona/2015/02/patriarchal-blessings-inspired-guidance-for-your-life?lang=eng) The thought that the Lord will keep and honor this promise from my blessing filled me with an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. I knew everything would be ok.

This woman probably didn't know at this time how much her testimony would help another aching, grieving woman. She probably didn't know that this woman would cling to her testimony and words in the following months when the pain of losing a baby felt too hard to bear. This woman probably didn't know that her testimony would be act as a lighthouse when things looked dark and dismal. This woman probably didn't know that by following that prompting she would forever change another woman's life for good. Little did I know that two years later this wonderful woman, once a stranger, would become one of my closest and dearest friends.

I love the quotes:

I also love the saying: 

You never know what trials or sorrow a person is going through. Although we may not know what a person is experiencing the Lord does. I know that He knows us and is aware of what we are going through. I know that the Lord answers our prayers. I also know that it is often through other people that those prayers are answered. You never know just how much your kind word, your smile, or just lending a listening ear can change someone's life. So if the Lord has prompted you to do something whether it be to share your testimony, call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, or to simply do a kind deed for someone... have courage and follow that prompting. You never know who you may rescue, you never know who you may save.

(Highly recommend the following video of the song, "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy")