Infertility-Thy Will Be Done

Infertility. Something I never imagined I would struggle with for years. It is something I would never wish upon anyone. The pain and heartbreak it causes is hard to describe. Unless you have experienced it yourself you really don't know what it's like or how difficult it really is. 

Growing up I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would daydream about getting married and starting a family. Being young and naive, I thought I had it all figured out. I would get married around 20 and have 5 kids by the time I reached my early 30's. Being born and raised LDS (Mormon) in Utah this is actually quite a common occurrence. But life doesn't always go as you plan. In fact, in my experience, it hardly ever does. 

Ever since the joyous years of puberty began I have had problems in regards to lady stuff. My periods have hardly ever been regular. They were also, until recently, pretty heavy. I will never forget the scary experience of having a period last around 3 months straight. I was around 14 or 15 years old. I still remember the night it got so bad that I finally mustered up enough courage to tell my mom what was going on. The following day she set up an appointment for me to see the doctor. At the appointment, I had the frightening experience of my very first pap smear and exam. They also tested my blood and scheduled an ultrasound. The blood tests showed that I was extremely anemic from all the blood I had lost and that I was low on iron.  I may have even been told that if I would have waited any longer to see a doctor I would have needed a blood transfusion. My ultrasound showed that I had lots of cysts on my ovaries. I was temporarily put on birth control pills to regulate my cycles and told to take iron supplements to help with the anemia. 

FAST FORWARD 8 OR 9 YEARS.  

My husband David and I were married in November 2008. Since I was still in school, we planned to wait a little bit before trying to have children. A year later, after graduating with my Early Childhood Education degree, we decided it would be fun to move to Hong Kong to teach. In May of 2010, we headed out there and began that great adventure. After being there for over a year, and saving up a decent amount of money, we felt it was time for us to start trying. I had just turned 26 and we had been married for almost 3 years.  It seemed like the perfect time to start. So at the beginning of October 2011, we started our quest to have kids. 

I began to get caught up in wishful thinking and thought that it would happen quickly. In my opinion, it was a perfect time. I thought that having a baby in Hong Kong would be perfect. It is so much cheaper than in the States! I also thought that if we got pregnant quickly I would be able to have the baby in the summer. Perfect for a teacher, right?! 



Once again, I learned that what I think is best is not always what the Lord has planned and that He knows what is best for me. 


Of course, we didn't end up getting pregnant quickly like I thought we would. I was brought back to reality. We had already discussed the possibility that we would struggle to get pregnant considering all the troubles I have had in the past. I also have family members who have struggled in this area. So it had definitely been a concern of mine. Now, these concerns were beginning to manifest themselves. 

We decided to go see a doctor for some fertility assistance. I have heard it said that couples should try for a year before seeking fertility treatment. We thought that considering my health history it would be ok if we went in to see a doctor earlier. In April 2012 we made an appointment to see a doctor that was recommended to me by a co-worker. 

An ultrasound showed, once again, that I had lots of cysts in my ovaries.  Blood tests showed that I wasn't ovulating. The doctor suggested we start by trying a round of the fertility drug Clomid to see if that would help me ovulate. I had already heard of this medicine and assumed that this would be the first step. We weren't surprised that this was his suggestion.  But seeing as life has a way of surprising you, while we were in the process of seeing this doctor we made the decision to move back to the states, back to Utah. We explained this to the doctor and he decided to give us a round of the medicine to take with us and told us to find a place in the states to continue the process.  

At the beginning of July 2012, we left Hong Kong and moved back to Utah. With the craziness of moving across the world, all of the fertility stuff got put on pause for a few months. I took the Clomid that was given to me and waited to go to a new fertility doctor. Before we knew it, it was October. 

October is one of my favorite months of the year. Every October the LDS (Mormon) church holds it's semi-annual General Conference.  I am always very excited to hear the talks and messages from the prophet, apostles, and other church leaders. I have often had prayers and questions answered while listening and pondering on the messages. I felt that we could receive guidance and help in our search for knowing where our lives were supposed to go. It was during the Sunday morning session that I was touched by a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring (1^st counselor in the church presidency) entitled “Where is thy pavilion?”

                                https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/where-is-the-pavilion?lang=eng

He spoke about the pavilion that sometimes seems to block us from God and from feeling his help and comfort in our lives. He spoke about how sometimes during difficult or challenging times we may feel distant from God. He explained that God is never hidden but that, “Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done,” create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time.”

He also shared a story about one of his daughters-in-law who was longing to have more children. They had been trying for many years and had suffered some miscarriages. While on a trip to California she was walking alone on the beach when she said a prayer. For the first time, she didn’t ask God for another child. Instead, she asked for a divine errand. She prayed to Heavenly Father saying, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.”

I was so touched by this talk and this woman's story. I wondered if I was letting my own desires and plans prevent me from knowing what the Lord’s will for us was at that time? I decided to pray and have my own talk with my Heavenly Father. My prayer was similar to this woman’s. I too told Him that I would give him my time and asked for him to tell me how to fill it. 

I prayed with all my heart and soul. I wanted to know what the Lord's will was for me and I wanted to follow Him.  What I didn't know then was that my world was about to be turned upside down. I didn't know what trials lay ahead and that I was about to be pushed to the limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also had no idea that I was about to witness some amazing miracles in my life.